


haechul | love that i need

by plincess_cho (ai_hao)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Gen, as always, haechul, i love haechul :((((, non-au, per usual, soft fluffy pups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 03:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14179884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ai_hao/pseuds/plincess_cho
Summary: When Donghae's father passes away, Heechul steps up to take his place.





	1. wrong number

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](https://aminoapps.com/c/k-pop/page/blog/the-story-of-donghaes-father/XrIg_ugXbJgblNZPMKqGP2ZLpe8k8q) and [this](http://plincess-cho.tumblr.com/post/123453741784/i-have-fathers-phone-number-i-want-to-call-the).

Donghae stands onstage with the rest of the members, waiting anxiously to hear the results of this week’s music charts. There really isn’t space for all of them, and they crowd together and whisper nervously amongst themselves. This is their first official “comeback” as Super Junior instead of Super Junior05, and they’re all hoping that “U” will be the song to give them their first win.

“And the winner is… Super Junior’s ‘U’!” the MC exclaims.

The crowd goes wild, and the tears start almost instantly. Hyukjae has tears streaming down his face within seconds, and the other members look the same.

They pass the mic around for the members to say a little something, and Donghae grabs the mic to yell, [“Thank you, Dad! Get better soon!”](https://www.tumblr.com/new/www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlacW9J0AZM) Someone takes the mic from him, and he joins the members in hugging and crying.

All of them crowd into the dressing room backstage, immediately rummaging through their bags for their cellphones to call their parents. Donghae digs in his backpack for his phone and flips it open to dial the number he now knows by heart. The phone rings twice before he hears his mother’s voice on the other end.

“We watched you on TV!”

“Did Dad see it?” Donghae asks urgently.

“He did,” his mother replies. Donghae can hear the proud smile in her voice. “He’s resting now, but he wanted me to tell you how proud he is of you.”

Donghae can’t hold back his tears. He thanks his mother and tells her to send all of his love to his dad. She promises to do so, and they hang up. Donghae sits down on a chair and starts to cry. Donghae becoming a singer had always been his father’s dream and now… And now, he’s too sick to properly cheer his son on.

Hyukjae comes over and hugs him tightly, and Donghae starts to sob.

*

Donghae sits in his old bedroom with his brother, sorting through old photos. His mother had pulled out several photo albums for the boys to look through once they’d come home from the funeral hall. Donghae turns each page carefully, looking for photos of him with his dad. He looks through photo after photo but… but most of the photos are of him with his mother and brother, presumably with his father behind the camera. Donghae’s heart aches as he realizes that he’ll never get the chance to take photos with his dad ever again.

He’d missed his family horribly when he’d first moved up to Seoul. The big city had been so overwhelming and cold compared to the warmth of the countryside folks he’d grown up with. He didn’t have the money to go home often, so he had to settle for calling them every once in awhile when he had the time and the spare change for the pay phones on the street corners. But now, knowing that he’d never get to see his father ever again leaves a hole in his heart that Donghae knows will never be filled again.

“Here’s one of you and Dad,” Donghwa says. He slides the photo album over to Donghae and points at a snapshot. In the photo, their father is leaning over to kiss Donghae at the cheek while Donghae looks straight at the camera. Donghae carefully slides the photo out of the plastic sleeve. “I want to keep this,” he says, his voice choked with tears.

So he does.

*

The ride up to Seoul is nearly unbearable. Donghae’s mother had held him tightly, crying into his shoulder for a good while, before finally handing him over to the manager. Donghae had tried not to cry in front of his mother, knowing that his tears would only cause her more grief. He waves goodbye and climbs into the backseat of the van. Once they’re out of sight of his family home, Donghae breaks down into sobs. He’d gotten the news about Heechul-hyung’s accident earlier that day from Heechul himself, who had called him to assure him not to worry.

 _“I’ll be fine, really,”_ Heechul had said, but the optimism in his voice had sounded forced.

It had been the manager who had told him that Heechul had gone to the hospital because his legs had been crushed, and Donghae had nearly lost it right then and there. After all, it had been because of Donghae and his father that Heechul had been in Mokpo in the first place. That combined with his father’s passing, his mother’s tears, and the thought of leaving his brother to carry the burden of caring for their mother alone is all too much for Donghae to handle, and he cries the entire drive to Seoul.

*

The pain of missing his dad only intensifies during their win with [“Dancing Out” ](https://www.tumblr.com/new/www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9RcmGoW2WQ)on Music Core. As always, the members crowd backstage and immediately call their parents to tell them the good news in case they hadn’t been watching. Donghae pulls out his phone to call his dad but…

_Hello, you’ve reached the voice mailbox of Lee Seung-yeon. I’m not able to come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, I will give you a call back shortly. Thank you!_

“Dad?” Donghae says. He feels the tears welling up in his eyes. “It’s Donghae. We… We won again today. On Music Core. We’re doing really well this year, I think. Anyways, I just… I just wanted you to know. I love you.” He hangs up, but the knot in his chest only tightens as he watches the other members happily chatting with their parents.

Nobody seems to be paying attention to him, so he flips his phone open and dials another number.

“Heechul hyung? It’s Donghae. We won again today.”

*

It only takes a few weeks before the mailbox for his father’s phone number fills up with calls from Donghae, but Donghae keeps calling anyways. It’s the only way that he can still hear his father’s voice. By now, he has his father’s voicemail greeting memorized but still waits patiently for the beep to kick in. Now, an automated female voice informs him that the mailbox is full and to try back later.

“I can’t try back later,” Donghae says softly. He closes the phone and looks out the window of the dorms at the streets below. It’s a miserable day: gray, drizzling, and utterly melancholic. Donghae leans his head against the window and wonders if the pain of missing his father will ever start to abate. Every day he seems to hurt more and more.

He pulls out his wallet and takes out the photo he’d taken from the photo album at his parents’ home. He stares at the picture as his eyes well up with tears. In that moment, he vows to take more photos with those he loves. He wants to remember every single memory because at any moment, the ones he loves could be gone.

Donghae looks out at the rain and sighs.

*

“Donghae, what are you doing?”

It’s Heechul calling, and Donghae can’t help but smile. He knows that Heechul’s been getting incredibly bored in the hospital—who wouldn’t after that long of a time? He had already enlisted Donghae’s help several times in acquiring more comic books to read. He had tried sending Yunho but it hadn’t worked spectacularly well. Most of the Super Junior members had already been banned from this particular comic book shop for turning books in late, and [Yunho, attempting to use Super Junior’s name to check out books](https://dongbangdata.net/2011/06/17/trans-110616-%25E2%2580%259Cstrong-heart%25E2%2580%259D-leeteuk-%25E2%2580%2593-what-is-he-apologetic-to-u-know-yunho-about/), had gotten himself banned too despite paying the fine. Heechul had opted to use Donghae instead, figuring that Donghae was too unassuming that the shop owner wouldn’t even notice him. He had been right.

“I’m in the dorms. Do you need more comic books?”

“No, I’m sick of reading,” Heechul replies in a moan. “The hospital is so boring. Can you come visit?”

Donghae looks at the clock on the wall. He doesn’t have anything else scheduled for the day so he figures he can make it over. He tells Heechul that he’ll be by in a bit before hanging up to grab his coat. He bikes over to the hospital, locks his bike at the front, and walks up to the fourth floor to Heechul’s room. He’s never been a fan of hospitals (is anyone?), but now the sterile halls and the smell of antiseptic remind him of the only time he’d been able to visit his dad in the hospital before he’d passed away.

By the time he opens the door to Heechul’s room, Donghae is rapidly blinking back tears and trying not to sob.

Heechul takes one look at him and painfully scoots over to the side of the bed. He grimaces as he slowly repositions his legs into a more comfortable position, but Donghae can tell he’s still in pain. The IV drip hangs to one side, but the bag is almost empty. Heechul pats the space beside him on the bed, motioning for Donghae to join.

Donghae obliges, taking off his shoes and climbing gingerly onto the tiny hospital bed next to Heechul. He knows that Heechul would never do this with anyone else, and Donghae would have felt incredibly special if he hadn’t been so upset about everything else. He leans against Heechul’s side and whimpers softly.

Heechul doesn’t say anything. Instead, he stretches his arm around Donghae’s shoulder and pulls him in close, waiting for the tears to subside.

“I miss my dad,” Donghae says, his voice barely louder than a whisper. “How am I supposed to live in this world without my dad?”

Heechul is quiet for a moment, but then he replies, “Remember when you were in school, and couldn’t wake up for your classes properly? I had to [wake you up](http://elfishmylove.tumblr.com/post/139159693043/who-do-you-think-heechul-is-the-closest-to-among) and wash your face to send you off to school.”

Donghae nods, and Heechul continues. “Or remember when you had to take your examinations, and[ I made you breakfast ](http://elfishmylove.tumblr.com/post/139159693043/who-do-you-think-heechul-is-the-closest-to-among)before you left?”

“I wouldn’t have been able to pass my exams without you,” Donghae replies softly.

“Exactly. I know you miss your dad, but you’ve got to still continue in this world, so [I’ll be your dad from now on.](http://elfishmylove.tumblr.com/post/139159693043/who-do-you-think-heechul-is-the-closest-to-among)”

Donghae sits up to look at Heechul, his face quizzical.

“I mean it,” Heechul replies adamantly. “I’ll take care of you and let you call me at all hours of the night and I’ll tell you I’m proud of you and I’ll even give you away at your wedding. Got it?”

Donghae nods solemnly and curls up again at Heechul’s side as he starts to cry for a whole different reason.

*

_“I’m sorry, the number you are trying to dial has been disconnected. Please hang up and try your call again.”_

Donghae flips his phone shut and nearly breaks the device out of anger. The one last link that he had to his father is gone, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He knows that he should be grateful that he’d been able to call his dad’s phone for so long without it getting disconnected, but now he can’t even pretend that his father is still on this earth. He throws his phone onto his bed and covers his face with a pillow. Before he can stop himself, he screams into the pillow and wonders why life is so unfair.

He calms down and picks up the phone to dial Heechul. Heechul answers, but before he can say anything Donghae starts in.

“Dad? It’s Donghae. They shut your phone off today, and I can’t hear your voice anymore. It feels like you’re a billion miles away, and I can’t do anything about it. There’s no plane or car or boat that can take me to where you are, and I miss you more than ever. I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better son, but I’m trying to be the best Donghae for you. I love you, and I’m sorry.”

He hangs up without giving Heechul a chance to talk.

It’s therapeutic, but not the same.

Things will never be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love ♡  
> [twitter](twitter.com/plincess_cho) / [tumblr](plincess-cho.tumblr.com)


	2. i swear

It’s one of those days where Heechul feels like the darkness will crush him. He lies on his back on his bed unable to move despite all of his best efforts. He knows that he should get up and at least feed himself, but even the simple task of walking to the kitchen seems insurmountable. Instead, he stares up at the ceiling and desperately wishes for the darkness to dissipate.

In theory, he could call someone. Ryeowook would instantly walk the stairs up to the 12th floor and cook for him, but he can’t even bring himself to ask. He hasn’t showered in three days, and he can’t stand to let anyone see him like this, even the members.

But then, there’s a knock at the door. Heechul wants to yell at whoever it is and tell them to go away, but the door opens and in walks Heebum followed by Lee Donghae who holds up a plate Heebum jumps up onto the bed and curls up on Heechul’s legs while Donghae sits on the bed next to Heechul and sets the plate on the nightstand.

“I brought you breakfast,” he says. He motions to the plate on which sits an egg bun and a protein bar. It’s a very Donghae-style breakfast, but Heechul doesn’t care. “Teuk-hyung says you haven’t eaten in two days.”

It’s actually been three, but Heechul doesn’t tell Donghae that. Had it been anyone else, he would have told them to get the fuck out and that he doesn’t need their pity food, but it’s Donghae and he’s sitting on the bed looking so earnest and so concerned, that Heechul somehow finds the strength to sit up and reach for the plate.

Heechul manages to choke down the bread, and Donghae pulls a water bottle out of the pocket of his sweatshirt and hands it to Heechul.

Donghae doesn’t say anything. He just sits on the bed patiently and reaches out to pet Heebum who lets Donghae scratch his ears for a few minutes before rolling onto Heechul’s other side, completely out of reach. It’s the first proper human interaction that Heechul has had in days, and he realizes that he craves the presence of another human being.

And Donghae’s presence is just like Donghae: unassuming and warm. There’s always been a genuineness about Donghae that Heechul has appreciated. For all of Heechul's brash “what you see is what you get, like it or not” personality, Donghae is a different kind of honest: the kind-hearted country boy with enough love for everyone he meets. And that love is what Heechul craves more than anything.

“I fed Heebum,” Donghae says, breaking the silence. “I wasn’t really sure how much he normally eats, so I just filled the bowl with cat food. He seemed to like it.”

Heechul feels Heebum nuzzling up against his side in that contented way after a big meal and is grateful to Donghae for doing what he couldn’t. He grunts his thanks and rips open the protein bar. The growling in his stomach has finally abated, and he realizes that he really should have eaten sooner.

“I know… I know things are hard for hyung right now,” Donghae says suddenly, “but I want to take care of you like you took care of me.”

Heechul opens his mouth to protest that it isn’t necessary and that as the hyung he should be taking care of Donghae, but Donghae cuts him off. “I wasn’t there for my real dad when he needed me, so I need to be there for you.”

Heechul manages to get out of bed later that day, and Donghae grins broadly when he walks out into the living room.

 _If not for me, maybe for Donghae,_ he thinks to himself as he drags himself into the shower.

And so the darkness starts to abate.

*

Training camp is harder than he had anticipated, and Heechul tries to grit his teeth and remind himself that it’s only four weeks. He drags himself into bed each day, utterly exhausted from the day’s training, and counts down the days remaining until he can start his public service duties instead. Despite the vitriol of the netizens wondering why he couldn’t enter the regular army instead, Heechul is immensely glad that his injuries preclude him from active duty. He knows that enlistment will be difficult enough mentally without having to put his body through the grueling trials as well.

They receive mail each day, and Heechul receives more letters than any other soldier. It’s mostly fan mail to his embarrassment, but a few letters arrive from family and friends. There’s one letter in particular that catches his eye: it’s tattered and the handwriting on the front is nearly illegible. Heechul starts to grumble until he unfolds the letter and [realizes it’s from Donghae](https://sup3rjunior.com/2013/05/12/130512-super-junior-heechul-is-moved-to-tears-by-donghaes-letter/). A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he starts to read the short message.

_Hyung, I hope you’re doing well in training camp. I heard it’s hard but I hope that you do well. I miss you a lot. Love, Donghae._

It’s barely three sentences, but it warms Heechul’s heart. He notices something printed on the back and turns the paper over, bursting into laughter the minute he realizes what’s written there. The soldier next to him looks over inquiringly, and Heechul realizes he can’t even explain.

“This idiot wrote me on the back of a Sukira script,” he says. It’s so something that Donghae would do that it feels like Donghae is right there with him, scribbling something on a scrap of paper and shoving it over to Heechul.

Heechul folds up the paper and shoves it into his foot locker next to the few civilian clothes he had been allotted. He wonders if this is what it feels like to receive love from your own child, and maybe it is.

*

[“He’s like my real son,”](https://twitter.com/emzhaek/status/943809948701556737) Heechul says about Donghae. They’re onstage reminiscing about the past like a bunch of old uncles. They seem to do a lot of that these days, and Heechul supposes it makes sense. They haven’t been together much recently, and the past few years have taken them all in different directions. The past is something that they all share, and it’s what they go back to when they try to find common ground.

They’ve all been together so long by this point that they really do feel like family. Heechul sees the members far more often than he sees his biological family anyways, but beyond that, there’s a sort of shared bond forged by years of blood, sweat, and tears that is more than just a business relationship. They all joke about being a show window group, but they would all die for each other, no questions ask. The members really do feel like his real brothers, as cheesy as that sounds, and he can’t say it aloud without cringing.

Yet Donghae… Donghae is something different entirely. From the day in the hospital all those years ago where Heechul had told Donghae that he’d be his dad in his real father’s absence, Donghae had taken up a special place in Heechul’s heart. He and Jungsoo had talked about it on more than one occasion, how they both felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure that Donghae was safe, happy, and healthy always. [Jungsoo had promised Donghae’s father](https://aminoapps.com/c/k-pop/page/blog/the-story-of-donghaes-father/XrIg_ugXbJgblNZPMKqGP2ZLpe8k8q) that he’d take care of his son, and Heechul had done the same with Donghae’s mother.

Heechul knows that he’s gotten softer as time has gone on, and he supposes that’s for the better. One can only have that biting image of a wild rebel for so long before it grows tiring, and as they’ve made the transition from rookies to superstars to second generation icons, he’s matured with the rest. He knows that he’s changed from the early days, and most of the others have too.

But then there’s Donghae… Donghae, the country boy from Mokpo with the genuine heart and none of the city pretentiousness that seems to creep into most of those who had lived in Seoul long enough. Donghae, the boy who manages to make everyone around fall in love with him. Donghae, the one who seems to bring laughter and joy whenever he enters the room. Donghae, the one Heechul cares for more than anyone else in the world.

Donghae lets himself into Heechul’s hotel room that night, his hair still wet from the shower. He slides under the covers next to Heechul who’s playing a game on his phone. Heechul doesn’t even look up; he just lets Donghae curl up next to him and lean against his side, just like at the hospital all those years ago.

It’s a few minutes before Heechul finally finishes his game, and by that time Donghae is nearly fast asleep.

“Don’t you have your own room?” Heechul asks softly, but it’s without heat.

“Yes,” Donghae replies in a mumble, “but I wanted to talk to hyung before going to bed.” His eyes are closed and he barely moves his mouth when he talks.

“What did you want to say?” Heechul asks. He knows he should turn the lights out, but Donghae is leaning against him and [he doesn’t want to disturb him](http://plincess-cho.tumblr.com/post/146478836124/mysilentmemory-never-forget-when-heechul).

“Thanks for being my dad,” Donghae murmurs. “I love you, hyung.”

It’s so cheesy and cringey, but Heechul’s heart melts anyways. He chuckles to himself and says softly, “Of course, kid.”

Within minutes, Donghae is fast asleep, and Heechul just resigns himself to sleeping with the lights on.

Because it’s Donghae.

And Heechul would do anything for Donghae.

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love ♡  
> [twitter](twitter.com/plincess_cho) / [tumblr](plincess-cho.tumblr.com)


End file.
